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Top Shelf: The Search For My Perfect Literary Boyfriend Part I

February 4, 2011

I don’t know about you but I kind of hate February. We just got hit with a gigantic snowstorm which is fun and all but I want spring to hurry up and get here already. I miss summer and all the fun that goes along with it. But that is not the root of my problem with February as things are never that simple. The root of my problem lines on the 14th, Valentine’s Day.

Photo Source: http://www.zwani.com

For a girl whose a hopeless romantic and just a loving and caring person in general being perpetually single on the most romantic and ridiculous holiday of the year (Sweetest Day does not count as a holiday, mainly because I always manage to forget about it) can make you more than a little depressed as the fake Hallmark holiday approaches. (I have many issues with Valentine’s Day but I’ll get into them in a different post.) So what’s a girl to do so as not to be depressed? Find a boyfriend of course! But not a human boyfriend as that is the root of all the problems really, but something better-A literary boyfriend! One who will never leave you, that you can take everywhere and is just generally more awesome than 90% of the boys you know. (Sorry boys I know, not that you read my blog or anything.) As few of you may know books were, and still are, my biggest and greatest love over music and tv but not a deep dish slice of pizza. (Priorities people.) So I have a lot of them. And I’m certain I have a swoon worth boyfriend tucked away somewhere in my room. I just have to find him. (I apologize if this is the lamest idea you’ve ever read. I want to expand my blogging horizons and this seemed like a perfect fit for February. You are under no obligation to read any further if this idea bores you.)

This is my collection of books arranged by author as of Dec 28th. Guest apperance by my cat who totally charged me for taking her picture.

So how will I go about doing this? I’m dividing this post into sections, one post per area that has books in it. My books are tucked away in some weird places but they’re already divided into sections that make sense to me and only me which will explain the random order. In each blog post I’ll give you a run down of the books in the section, what I remember of the book (with help from the internet because I haven’t read some of these books in a while and I don’t have time to reread them all.) and what I think of any and all love interests in the book. The best candidates (based on points awarded to them for various reasons) from each section will then go head to head at a later date and battle it out for the title of ‘Most Awesome Literary Boyfriend of All Time!’ This boyfriend will be my comfort through my single life until such a time he is no longer needed. (But still loved.) Towards the end I will probably need help deciding who’s the most awesome so chime in on your thoughts whenever you like. (Even if you’ve never read the book. Or if you have questions.) Extra awesome points will be awarded if a candidate starts a raging argument in the comment section. (Dragons vs. Cops anyone?)

Here are a few quick clarifications. 1.) I got a lot of books for Christmas and haven’t read them all yet so if I haven’t read them yet they will be excluded. 2.) If there are multiple books in a series I will judge the series as a whole and not individual books. 3.) I’m very aware of how random this collection may seem to some people. 4.) I will try to keep this short-ish. 5.) As we are only assembling our candidates at this point only a brief but important overview will be given of each candidate. An in-depth look will happen in a later round.

So without further ado let’s begin our quest with the top shelf of my desk where there are a total of 37 books.

  1. Photo Source: http://www.ioffer.com

    1. The Sookie Stackhouse Novels by Charlaine Harris basis for HBO’s True Blood. Owned: Dead Untill Dark, Living Dead in Dallas, Club Dead, Dead to the World and Dead in the Family. The Candidates: Bill Compton (Vampire) and Eric Northman, (Vampire who used to be a Viking)

Bill was my original love in the series mostly because he started off as really good for Sookie. He loved her (+1), helped her expand her powers (+1), got her sucked into dangerous adventures despite his need to protect her at all costs (+1 for being caring, protective, and giving us something exciting to read). However, -1 for the Lorena thing, -1 for the revelation that he was sent to her neck of Louisiana for a less than awesome reason, -1 for being a slightly boring, cliched vampire, -1 for killing a member of her family even if it was her sexually abusive uncle. So Bill Compton you get a zero mostly because you were boring and had lots of baggage. I could give you a point for looks but, see below.

Eric gets an automatic cool point for being a Viking in his youth and being badassly awesome in general and more entertaining and better looking than Bill specifically. (+1) I originally didn’t care for him but Eric grew on me especially in number 4 when he lost his memory. Secret caring side +1. +1 for fighting for Sookie, +1 for wanting to protect her but not being as annoying about it as Bill. (I never realised how Team Eric I was till now.) -1 for tricking Sookie into a ‘vampire’ marriage. So 3 points for Eric.

2. The Hallows/Rachel Morgan Series by Kim Harrison. Owned: Every Which Way But Dead, A Fistful of Charms and For a Few Demons More-non of them read. I fell kind of guilty cheating on this one but it’s driving me crazy that I haven’t had time to read them yet but I love the series so much (I highly recomend it!) plus I really love The Candidate: Nicholas “Nick” Sparagmos.

Nick (supposedly) betrays Rachel in book 4 (A Fistful of Charms) but I’m sure it was all that nasty demon’s fault so we’ll only take 2 points off. Okay 3 because he gets addicted to the knowledge he could gain by making that deal with the demon and doesn’t know when to stop. (See he just needs help not punishment. He’s like Sam Winchester when it comes to demon blood.) His redeeming points include: human (+1), a nerdy library guy with a degree in Demonology (+1), has saved Rachel’s life at least twice (+1), isn’t appalled by Rachel’s life (+1) yet doesn’t support it as much as she would like. (-1) Which puts Nick at zero. Frak. I was rooting for him.

3. Various Buffy the Vampire Slayer books by various authors. Owned Comic Omnibus 1-2, Omnibus 1, The Xander Years vol 1, Panel to Panel (Which arrived in the mail yesterday!) The Long Way Home TPB, various comics and Night of the Living Rerun. Excluded for being based on TV characters. (*Tears* Xander was supposed to be my underdog)

4. The Voice on the Radio and Prisoner of Time by Caroline B. Cooney. The Candidates: Reeve Shields and Tod Lockwood. Reeve is going to be disqualified as he betrayed Janie by using her personal story to get listeners on his college radio show. I’m sure he used to be a nice guy but I remember this book not being my favorite of the series. I can’t remember what all happened in Prisoner of Time except that it featured the younger siblings of the other 3 books’ main characters and had nothing to do with the other three books in general. (And couching soccer? Selling bottled water?) As far as I can remember Tod was nice (+1), slightly boring (-1), but helped Devonny figure out her personal life (+1). Tod gets a rating of 1.

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5. Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead. Owned: Frostbite, Shadow Kiss and Blood Promise. Only Frostbite has been read so I’ll base my rating on that. The Candidates: Dimitri, Christian and Mason.

Dimitri while hot, a tough warrior and caring is disqualified for being a pedophile. (Sorry world he would have gotten a rating of 3 if it weren’t for that.) Christian gets points for the following: being good for Lisa (+1), having magic pyrotechnic powers (+1), and being a semi-cool vampire (+1). However he gets points taken away for being 1 slightly emo, and 2 he’s not my favorite. So Christian is left with a rating of 1. Mason is  dead but he would have gotten a rating of at least 3 as I really liked him.

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6. The Twilight Saga (1-3) and The Host by Stephanie Meyer. The Candidates: Disqualifying the ones who will not be mentioned so as not to start a riot that leaves us with Jared Howe of The Host.

Jared is the BIG love interest and he is well deserving of it. His good points include: Being an amazing asset to the Alien Apocalypse (+3 as one it’s aliens who are very Dollhouse-esque and two it’s an apocalypse people, your whole survive could depend on him.), being hot (+1), being able to see after much dilemma that some aliens are good (+1) and for taking care of Mel’s younger brother and all the other rebels in his care (+1). I will take away 1 point for his terrible attitude towards Wanda in the beginning but he had just cause after all (-1). Jared is now our highest ranked candidate with a score of 5.

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7. Eragon by Christopher Paolini. Candidate: Eragon duh! +3 for being a dragon rider and having a kickass heroine/dragon side kick (Again priorities people, Dragons=Awesomness.) +1 for having magic powers. -1 for having a messed up family. +1 for embracing his destiny after the typical ‘but I’m just an orphaned farm boy’ routine. -1 for not being able to take a hint. +1 for being a hero. We’ll leave Eragon with a rating of 4.

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8. The Vampire Diaries by L. J. Smith. Owned The Awakening and The Struggle. The Candidates: Damon and Stefan Salvatore and Mathew ‘Matt’ Honeycomb.

Damon get’s points for: Being badass and awesome (+1), funny (+1), witty (+1), misunderstood (+1) and for being a secret good guy (+1). Loses points for: being kind of evil in the beginning (-1), and causing a love triangle. (-1) So Damon you get a score of 3. Stefan gets points for: being Elena’s soul mate which is what we all want really, a soul mate to love us (+1), a good guy (+1) and loyal (+1). He loses points for being slightly boring (-1) which leaves him one point behind his brother with a score of 2. Matt gets points for: being a good guy (+1), loyal (+1) and the perfect human boyfriend in general (+1). However he loses points for being boring at times, ok a lot but I still like him (-1). Matt is now tied with Stefan at 2 points.

9. The Mammoth Book of Vampire Romance by various authors. Unread and skipped as there are too many possible love interests.

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10. The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke a.k.a. one of my all time favorite books. The Candidates: Prosper and Scipio.

Prosper gets points for the following: being a good big brother who always looked out for Bo (+1), having runaway survival skills that would be helpful in an apocalypse (+1), not wanting to grow up before his time which is a mild spoiler for the book I suppose (+1), and for having a very hot guy play him in the movie who was shirtless twice and it was awesome (+2. 1 for the movie that did the book justice and one for general hotness in the book.) I should award him some extra points for his strong devotion to family and his desire to save his friends. So let’s give him a total of 7 but wait he must have flaws right? Well the thief thing is a hot point but not legal so they cancel each other out plus he doesn’t like doing it, oh I should probably take off a point for the fact that he’s 12 (-1). So that is in essence his only flaw really which makes him our new reigning champion with 6 points.

Scipio and Prosper have a few similarities, while Scipio’s film self was not shirtless that I remember he was still hot and wonderfully done so +2 for that. Spoiled rich kid -1, desperate to grow up before his time -1, soft spot for cats is a +1, he cares for the orphans he looks after +1 and in the end he becomes a detective’s assistant +1. I’m not sure if I should take points off or not for the fact that in the end he’s a *spoiler* 13 year old living in an old man’s body. We’ll leave him with a score of 4 as I’m adding a point for the masked hero element.

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11. The Maximum Ride Series by James Patterson. Owned: The Angel Experiment, School’s Out-Forever, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports, The Final Warning and Max. The Candidate: Fang!

Sadly this is another thing I have against Valentine’s Day this year as the 7th book in this totally awesome series is coming out, and it’s going to be all about the character I can’t stand. But we won’t talk about that right now. Right now we’re going to talk about Fang! Fang’s main qualities are: Tall dark and brooding (+1 but he doesn’t do it in leather pants a la Angel from Buffy/Angel so -1/2 point.), winged so he’s got the ability to fly and therefore give you lots of airborn adventure (+2), power to be invisible (+1), gills (I guess that’s a plus if I were ever to like drown or something or go mermaid hunting.), deep loyalty to The Flock but later leaves them so Max can be a better leader even thou they are soul mates (-1),  he has a blog that is rather hilarious (+1), is going to be the first to die but this was predicted by a character I hate so we will pay it no mind and has decide to (At the end of the 6th book, Fang) not see Max until they’re 35.  He and Max are 15 so (-1). This leaves Fang with a rating of hang on let me get out the calculator, 2.5? Oh wait I forgot to mention that he’s saved the world lots so +2 which gives him a 4.5 which is much better.

12. The Dangerous Days of Daniel X by James Patterson. The Candidate: Daniel Hopper.

Daniel Hopper is an alien (+1) with the power to create anything using his imagination (+2 Two words people JET PACK) and is slightly obsessed with elephants (-1 as I never get the Water for Elephants references). He is destined to keep the world save by killing evil aliens who come to Earth looking to destroy us (+1) while working towards revenging his parents death (+1). The power of imagination allows him to have a semi relationship with his dead parents, sister, friends and possible soul mate who as I may have mentioned are all dead (-1 as that’s just a little creepy but the life of an alien hunter is a lonely one). He’s a little messed up but a hot do gooder no less (+1). He’s saved the world many times (+1). We’ll give him a rating of 5.

13. The Lake House by James Patterson. Unread.

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14. Don’t Look Behind You, Killing Mr. Griffin and The Third Eye by Lois Duncan. The Candidates: I swear to Castiel I read these books in middle school and I don’t think any of them had any male characters worthy of being on this list! Even if they did I’d have to exclude anyone who was in Killing Mr. Griffin as accidentally killing your English teacher does not earn you a place on this list. Further more they were probably to little used to be properly rated. (Plus I seriously don’t remember the plot to The Third Eye at ALL! This is probably because my head is too full of Down A Dark Hall which was like the greatest book she ever wrote besides A Gift of Magic.)

I guess this means we’ve found all the gold this shelf has to offer. So who’s going to the next round and facing off characters from other sections of my bookshelves? Why the top 6 of course! And they are in order of points: Prosper with a rating of 6,  Jared Howe with a rating of 5, Daniel Hopper with a rating of 5, Fang with a rating of 4.5, Eragon with a rating of 4, and Scipio with a rating of 4. Next time we’ll see what literary gold lies in The Alcove in My Desk which has 19 books and I’m predicting we’ll wind up with an angel and some more human boys to throw into the mix. Like? Dislike? Wan’t to root for a favorite character to win? Want to correct/argue with me? Please do I love a good literary debate so leave a comment or @reply me on Twitter. (Lord knows we’ll have lots of it when we reach the Chick Lit section in which Meg Cabot boys will fraking dominate.)

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. February 4, 2011 4:50 am

    HOW COULD YOU PICK JARED OVER IAN?!

    *Cough*

    This is an amazing idea – and I whole heartedly agree. I fall in love with literary characters on a day-to-day basis, and they have always served me better than anyone I have actually met in my life (aahh, last boyfriend, I have still not forgiven you, mmkay?)…

    But I have a suggestion for someone you won’t have thought of: Tom Levine from the Hillary McKay Casson Family Series. Oh, hello… 😉

    Can’t wait to see which Cabot Boy triumphs – I have no idea who I’d pick… although I suspect it would work itself out as a battle between Michael, Jesse, and the guys from ‘The Girl Next Door’ and ‘Boy Meets Girl’…

    xxx

    • February 4, 2011 9:40 am

      Ha! My last (and only) sort of boyfriend has not been forgotten either. I have terrible taste in real life men so maybe this will help me pick better men to crush on?

      My predictions for the Cabot section are Michael, Jess and Will but I could be forgetting someone so that shelf will be interesting as it’s also my shelf with all my mystery novels. (I wonder how well the Hardy Boys & Ned Nickerson will do against a Cabot boy?)

      And Tom Levine will be added to the to be read pile shortly. 🙂

Trackbacks

  1. The Alcove: Part II of My Search For the Perfect Literary Boyfriend « Confessions of a teenage fangirl
  2. Stereo Shelf: Part III of My Search for the Perfect Literary Boyfriend « Confessions of a teenage fangirl
  3. Chick Lit vs. Mysteries & Harry Potter Part IV of My Search for The Perfect Literary Boyfriend « Confessions of a teenage fangirl

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